Neecie redefineD

7 new poems

2009-08-22T02:22:00.001-07:00

ok here are 7 new poems that ive written in the last week or so. tell me what you think all of your thoughts are welcome. please take your time to read all of them before making a comment. thank you.

Unconditional

the look of disdain on your face
when i make a mistake. the way you
look at me while i stutter an apology.
your eyes cold and unforgiving while mine
stare, tear-stained, at the ground.
the disgust i feel when i beg you for
mercy. my heart breaking realization
that youre all i have and you could care less.

these are the things i remember when you mutter
half hearted i-love-you's through slamming doors.
i reminisce about the way we should be and how
we've been ripped apart. And then im reminded
of how conditional we are.

Treasures

Now there is more to this world than empty riches
and gold. One has to really search to find the true
treasures of this earth. From variety to the choice
of deity, the real diamonds lie in our humanity and
ability to love one another. Also in hope. hopefully
one day we will finally see each other..and cherish
one another.

Storm

Everything is calm
the air is still
quiet consumes all that's around

on the horizon
angry clouds begin to gather
and stalk towards our dwelling place

i lack surprise
when the lines die because this
is natal and nature's wrath must be forgiven

but i ready myself
my world uprooted for a short while
hoping for the best but always expecting the worst.

Sexy

Kiss punished lips that purse with surprise.
that certain look in your eyes that screams "touch me!"
fists clenching fabric that grazes ecstatically across heated skin.
The instant need for removal: clothing, fear, shame.
the rush of excitement that consorts entering bliss.
and, ultimately, remembering how it feels to forget.

Love-Inspired

The feeling called love
envelopes me most when
youre in my hand making
irreversible marks on
everything. Taking my
lifes blood and spilling
it on the surface. Tipping
it and taunting it until
it oozes from me in the
most pleasurable of ways.
release, with this love,
is what sends me into
a freedom frenzy.
Every man for himself.
i just cant imagine
what i would do if
i couldnt rill your
ink down my page.
without this kind of love
i would be utterly lost.
diving into a sea of black
and risking the loss of
all self control.thankfully
when i need you, you come
to me and permit me
to use you.

The Enchanted Doorway

the entrance is dark
and the way is gloomy

but on the other side light
shines and envelopes all around.

the air tickles and the heat is strong
but you, your being, is floating

flying, and loving all.
you cant hide from this

feeling, the releasing, the revealing
its all connected, intersected, and reflected

what you need to, had to, and want to do.
forever and always this consciousness

will make me think of and
continuously thank you.

Help

its all fading away and hitting me fast.
my heart beat is racing and slowing.
i can feel the hot blood rush to the
surface and dribble over onto the cold
earth. someone should hear my cry,
but i dont think im making any sounds.
Where am i? how did this happen?
blindsided by violence. what will happen
next? Death. Thats my last step.
Death's dark shadow looms over me.
I am not ready and i feel a tear slide
down my cheek. what should my last
words be? i was taken without a
chance to say my goodbyes and
remaining hellos. The world grows
dimmer and all i can see is your face.
you cloud my vision and for once i
feel approval. i slip my eyes closed
and let the shadow, or was it light,
swallow me whole.

restless

2009-08-19T04:26:00.000-07:00

its so very late..and im not even tired. theres not much i can say right now accept where the hell did the time go. school starts soon so i think ill list some goals here.

-be at a healthier weight by this time next year.

-actually focus in school this semester

- get a car by november

- move back to sf by feb

- go to vegas or disneyland for new years

- stop being broke.

- cook more

- read more

-more fun less stress

thats all for now i think.

Me

2009-01-20T01:20:00.000-08:00

Me.

i cant help but think about things that have gone awry in my life. ive made so many mistakes...but i cant be sad about them. though ive made many mistakes in the last few months...i dont even feel like some of those things have happened. maybe because the rule out of sight out of mind comes into existence...either way...im just ok right now. trying to be focused on who i am.

im planning for this huge change. im preparing myself for a change ive never known. and i want to make sure i stay me, i want to be positive that i am who i am now..because honestly, i love my personality. i have flaws...deep ones...but i have this amazing ability to notice them and change them...and i appreciate that. i do not want to change who i am on the inside. i just want to make the persona on the outside similar to that on the inside. i want to be truly outgoing and fun. i dont want silly things to worry me...and for once in my life..i want to be comfortable in my own skin. seriously comfortable.

i want to be a geeky, comic loving, movie junkie, who knows weird things about LOTR and star wars. i want to be that same girl who argues with guys about marvel vs. dc and how dc obviously rules. i NEED to be her. she is amazing. but i feel the real her..the refined her is hiding behind these layers and she has been trying to break free for years. shes been shrouded and begrudged but now im going to release her. so ive set my goals. i want, no i NEED, to lose 35 pounds by march 30. its a huge leap. but i think i can do that.

its not the end of my weight goal...but its definitely a start. i want to begin to feel happy about myself and that means breaking barriers that have been there for years. its time to cut my food portions in half, eat more often, drink more water, get more sleep, get more exercise and more than anything, be more motivated then ever.

well...here i go

change

2009-01-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

call me silly, but i have become afraid of change. it seems like overnight, i metamorphosed into someone who cant handle the one constant in life...the inevitable changes of things. this is something no one can control..and still im here trying to analyze and control it. i suppose its complicated to think about what changes occur because of one decision to change. for example...ill be working on loosing weight soon...and that change will be huge for me. but i cant help but think about the people around me and how my change will effect them. me and one of my close friends were talking about this and decided that it was completely unfair to know that some people will treat me different. seriously. and im talking about people i know, people im close to, some of my best friends will look at me like theyve never really seen me before...and honestly that scares me. with all this new attention..and that new physical redefinition...what will happen to who i am on the inside. who will i become. a part of me feels like my personality will change. maybe ill finally be able to be myself around people because i wont feel like i have to cover it all the time anymore. now i am insecure but i find that i hide it generally well. i mean i do things like talk alot, make jokes, point out things, poke fun (harmlessly) at others, but either way i try my hardest to turn the attention onto someone else when i am uncomfortable...but the only reason i have to be uncomfortable (usually) is my weight...so when i dont have that to hide behind...when i dont have my safety net..will people still like the real me....the quiet, isolated, likes to read and think too much, nose stuck in a book, drifting off to different worlds, me? what if because i look different i start to change...to fit my outer persona...what if i become a skinny bitch? will i ditch my friends for girlfriends that have all that i do? will i be honest with myself?

well lets start the honesty train right now. these are things that worry me and i think they are stopping me from reaching my full potential. i need to lose this weight. not because of who i am on the inside...but because i really need to be healthy. i am deathly afraid of hospitals and the best way to stay out of them is to have really good health..though i am relatively happy right now...its only a matter of time before i get sick with something serious. i do not want diabetes. i need to focus on the good things that will come out of losing weight and think of the other, smaller issues, later.

i need to find something that gets me motivated and stick to it. i need to seriously commit to taking care of and loving myself. my body really is a gift from God and i would like to stop spitting in his face with chocolate covered pretzel's...healthy will be the name of the game...no more second helpings no more...lounging around when i have time for other activities...its time i got to it and stuck with it because i really really want to be able to be the best me possible. and in this body...i just cant be. so im doing it guys. im taking the weight loss challenge.

=]

a day in the life...

2008-09-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

lately ive been on a buying spree. i think ive been trying to forget certain things and trying to postpone thinking about them as well...so because of that..i look for the best drug that a person like me can use. SHOPPING. oh man if i haven't spent super amounts of money on clothes. now these items aren't unnecessary but they certainly aren't necessary either. i just, im trying to fill a void here. i know that sounds strange and maybe a tad bit juvenile but its true.

i feel like something is missing...and rather then look into the depths of my soul to figure that out, ive been spending money, buying clothes, concert tickets, dinners, and spending time not doing useful things. honestly i need to get out of this slump.

a week ago i had such control over my life. i was doing grand things. now...well now im just spending money like its going out of style and hoping the repercussions of that don't knock me down too far. im partying and drinking and just having a good time...but when i lie down to sleep at night i still feel like somethings missing.

i talk to my friends and via those conversations i try harder and harder to fish for a clue about my well being...and still im up a creek without a paddle. even speaking with my closest friends doesn't help. and i think, only now, as i type up this blog does the hones truth like reason shine through.

although i have my friends that hang out with me, my awesome new digs, and a great new place to live with an awesome land lord, i think

i think i need a pet.

=]]

any suggestions for a noiseless, furry, adorable pet that ISNT a cat or dog?

i love cats but my landlords wont let me have one...and dogs smell.

=]

friends--how many of us have them--friends

2008-08-27T14:32:00.000-07:00

Ones we can depend on....

well i have had some very interesting stories about friends. my life, i must say, is a flurry of friendships, old, new, failed, rekindled...all interesting enough to merrit a general blog to. thing is, i love my friends. all of them. and even if we arent friends now i loved them when we were....but now..i realize more than ever before...that things and people change. in fact thats the only cardinal rule in life...that somethings WILL change. for some thats so easy to accept and i think thats happening now to me. i suppose im growing up.

change. its huge..but friends...you would think that they would be larger. that they would surpass anything that came up. that lifes trials and tribulations have no hold on your friendship. boy oh boy that isnt true. and that was quite the wakeup call for me. i have this list of amazing friends..friends that would never let me down. and i have to say that im proud of that list. these friends and i, we barely argue because we mesh so well, we get along as if, in some other universe, we were related. its so much fun to be with them...to experience life with them and whatch them grow and mature as i do. the best feeling in the world is understanding. some would argue that the best feeling in the world is love...and i suppose in a way it is. love encompasses understanding and thats what i have for these magnificent people that i have the priveledge of calling my friends. even if we may not seem that close...in some way somewhere we have eachothers backs.

im so proud of my friends and those i know and love. here ill give you a list of all of my homies. the best of the best

Brittany Stewart
Kenji Kobyashi
Alex Struthers
Katrina Echon
Veronica Rodriguez aka Tyga
Terrie Sullivan aka Turtle
Alicia Franco aka alibot

these people i love them. but the next few names...they are my family. always there no matter who or what i turn out to be.

DeeBaby <>
Kenneth<>
Matt<>
Gary<>

without these people im a no one. these ones breathe life into my lungs even when there isnt any oxygen left. im not forgetting my actual family. i mean they have my back regardless and i them. but theres is something truly special about people that you find...that can make you find yourself. that force you, lovingly, to get on their level.

those ones life me up. so it would forever hurt if they left me or if i felt like i couldnt be myself around any of these people...

and well its starting to get that way. when this happens to me i become a little more focused on myself, on what i need to do, i figure that sometimes im a little much, that sometimes...i annoy the ones i love the most. i dont mean to but sometimes...i feel like when i truly am myself...im a mess. a huge mess...and really theres only one person who used to look at me like i wasnt such a mess. he used to understand me and there was always love there. i feel like more than ever...im alone. not because hes gone...well kind of...but its mainly because i want to feel like im me again...and he forced me to be myself. he forced me to be all that i could be in everything. and i miss that force. cuz now im truly on my own.

i know im not totally alone...but it sort of feels that way somtimes yknow? when you feel like..inside your screaming...but while your waiting for a response all you hear are crickets. and i mean my family...they try to answer..but for some reason trying to explain, to let them know whats really going on..feels like a lost cause...i dont want them worrying about me...i want them to see or feel like im ok...like im strong. he was one of the few people i could be weak around and occasionally he would carry me, other times he let me fall. but well...still it was something.

most of my friends they wouldnt understand so i let it go. i think about it before i go to sleep...and i make my petitions known to the most high...i always feel better after that but i still wonder if i should be looking for the kind of friend that i can always be myself around. in fact, in a way im wondering why i havent found someone like that. someone [[an actual human being ]]who just gets me...

idk maybe i never will.

forward from yesterday

2008-08-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

so i am now successfully moved into my new place. its adorable and amazing. i dont have any food yet but thats ok...ill get some soon.

ive recently realized something that has been hard for me to see since i was smaller...my family is kind of lame. i know its not the worst family ever encountered and its a longshot from anything crazy...but i must say that i have been thoroughly dissapointed with almost all of them. i know family isnt perfect, because no one is, but i just cant seem to understand why things keep happening this way. in fact i fear that my family will be torn apart if me and my sister let go of the already torn and worn seams.

i think the hardest thing about my family is that im the youngest. shouldnt my life be almost carefree and shouldnt i look to them for help? instead, because we have a tyrant of a mother, people look to me for financial help and its almost as if the blind is leading the blind. i need emotional fullfilment and honestly ive never felt so alone. people keep telling me that im not alone. that i have a makeshift family here in san francisco, a place where my family barely comes to visit even though im here, they say, "chanise, were your family now" but does that make things any better? does that take the pain of failure away from me? no. it only makes me look at them and think...what did i do to deserve such backwardsness...and i think the worst part is i didnt do anything. at least when u do something wrong and get punished for it you understand that it was ur fault...but im being punished with an blatantly blemished family that burn me when i try to get THEM out of the fire. its really interesting to see it for the first time, though it hasnt been the first time. i guess in a way...i just wanted to be apart of them. i almost wish i could forget being kind and just think about myself...let it go and worry about whats most important at the moment...but i cant do that. i strive too hard to be unlike my mother and care for others instead. now i get bitten for giving the caged lion cubs food.

with that said...there has to be some type of recovery...i cant continue to hurt this wAy. some day i will need to heal. but how? people complain about their families...but at least there families are there. my family would gladly forgot i existed if i allowed them to. maybe thats why i wont let go. because theres so much to get usurped by. how do u remember someone that u dont see or talk to everyday? how do u remember what they have done for you if you never call them to show gratitude in the smallest measure?

well these things i will have to learn. for now i need to move on and forget the past. forget all of yesterday. today is a new day. i have an entire new life ahead of me. and i need to focus...to throw myself in all of my upcoming activities to avoid the pain and hurt of lonliness. when i moved and wrote my first blog here, i felt alive. i dont feel like thats changed...i guess these interesting feelings are just colapsing in on me...now that everything else is going so well.

i can be hurt or i could live. and i choose the latter.

yesterday, it rained anyways. today i have my coat to keep me blissfull.

life in a fairytale

2008-08-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

so for some rediculous reason i find myself wandering the worlds of fiction. throwing myself in a stir of unreality and disbelief. Watchmen,Vampires, Zombies, and Wildflowers. there are a number of books that im reading at the same time because i cant seem to let my mind stay in this realm for very long.

fiction is what every different person, depending on their surreality, wants their reality to be. thats why its so appealing. who reads books about the truth ((besides the bible)) [[well i do that too...but sometimes its less fun BECAUSE its real]]. honestly sometimes i want to escape. i dont want to escape because things are hard...its just alot easier to dream,wish, and hope then it is to settle for what life really is. i mean its not hopeless...but sometimes it feels that way.

im sitting here at work listening to Celine Dion [["if you asked me too" dont player hate.]] and i cant help but think that if i could escape like that...by expressing how i really feel about things with a tune, harmony, and percussion...then maybe i would be a completely different person. instead i slip away into the world of legends and fairytales. theres just something about myths, legends, and stories that excites me. i like to understand the situations that those of the older days had to fare with. its just more fun.

i think its because this system lacks creativity with artistic style. maybe all the good ideas have been used. maybe theres a real end coming and the way things are created now is a reflection of that. all i know is that in fiction anything can happen. nothing is to taboo in your imagination. i understand that not all books are original but every author has a different take on things and that is what creates the originality. the beauty of it all is that, though we only use about 5%-10% of our brains, humans have the ability to dream an entire range of things. some can translate those dreams into amazing songs, music, books, plays, poems, movies..not me.

maybe i can but i havent been able to so far. i tried my hand at a few of those and i still seem to be falling into that fictional world without a safety net. sometimes i consider it living vicariously through these stories. i know that sounds lame but hey...i cant fly and vampires dont exist so i dont think i have much of a choice. it would be nice...to be somewhere else...someone else...just for a day or too...see the world through their eyes and live through them. maybe you can create your own legend that way. haha they did a movie about that too...[[bodysnatchers anyone?]] it would just be interesting.

well tomorrow i move [[thats right, back to the actual real world]] into my new studio. im super excited. unfortuneatly im getting rushed out of my old place...its ok though. its all for the best. i definitely appreciate change for all its worth the good and the bad. and i cant wait to be in my own place...with all the quiet...just me and my imagination.

maybe ill rekindle my story. i think that would be a good idea. i love to write...its just sometimes, ironically, i feel like im not being original and i get frustrated with myself. thats another reason to escape...but ill start focusing on things i need to get back into and writing is one of them.

i suppose ill just have to remember that its..

Never too late.

the redefinition of an era

2008-08-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

well folks. Neecie is movin up and movin on. theres alot of new things happening. and i thought i would actually start blogging about them. a lot has happend this summer things have been forgotten, remembered, lost, and found...and i think its time for me to actually get my life on track. not that it was terribly off track but...there was something i just didnt like about it...and now with my recent baptism as a Jehovah's Witness and the start of a new school semester [[i am a junior at a university in San Francisco]] i think things are finally beginning to fall into place. i feel fresh and shiny, all brand new. i know this is just the beginning and no one said it would get easier...because everything worth fighting for always demands a brawl of choices and decisions...so heres me looking toward the future with an entirely new sight.

im excited because i have the most powerful force behind me. im nervous because i dont want to dissapoint him. and i feel like finally my family is coming back together...if not physically [[the divorce still stands]] then in the truth, where a real life can be had anyways. im so thrilled to be living right now and doing something that makes me feel whole and complete. finally a reason to breathe.

i used to be selfish and only care about myself with the illusion that i cared about other people, but now i worry about all those that dont know what i know. i used to be depressed and only think of the vacant hole that my family created by being ripped apart. and now i redefine who i am. i look to new beginnings and forgiving those who i had thought "wronged" me. people are imperfect and we all make mistakes. everyone deserves a number of chances that surpass the number 2...and with that i begin to slowly move on.

this summer i thought i suffered the most intense hurt anyone could feel. the emotional rip of heartbreak. but i know im alright. ive been through it before but this time..i lost control of the situation and i did it on purpose. to save myself years of worry and sadness...for a second there i regretted my decision but no longer. i know i made the right choice and here i am, reaping the benefits.

well thats my redefinition in a nutshell, my redefinition of self. i considered this period of time an era...because for a decade, that felt as long as an era, i have been depressed and sad. holding things to myself that never mattered in the first place. and now im letting them go. and boy did it take forever to get here.

but im here.

finally